Kosher/Sane Divorce Newsletter No. 1
Welcome to the KOSHER/SANE DIVORCE newsletter
Do you prefer the name Amicable Divorce or Sane Divorce?
Weekly I will be posting tips for families who are contemplating divorce or who have already made the decision to divorce. Divorce is an extremely stressful process and children and their parents need a tremendous amount of support and reassurance at this time. Life is disrupted is a Major way - at least temporarily - for all involved and emotions and tempers can easily run out of control.
Life After Divorce can Eventually Sane!
The point of any sane divorce is to get the children through it with the least amount of psychological harm as possible.
So–if you know you want a sane divorce and you know you want your kids to have a relationship with both of you — this is for you. …
0545 359 072
Daniella Krause, MSW is a nationally recognized divorce and relationship expert on divorce and healing, recommends several steps that will help you remain “a kosher parent” with your ex-spouse both pre and post - divorce.
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Are You In Love With Your Assumptions?
Convictions, principles, ethical decisions and moral boundaries are
essential to living a life based upon integrity and honesty.
However, it is also important to consider that growth in all areas of
our lives is often based upon being open-minded, willing to consider
new ideas, introspection, and examining biases and cherished
assumptions.
Is it possible to give yourself permission to re-evaluate some ideas,
beliefs, suppositions, etc. which might be hampering your openness to
different ways of looking at the world?
•Make a list of 10 (or more) things of which you are absolutely
certain. Now ask yourself if there is any way you could have been
mistaken about your conclusions? Have you continued to get the
necessary information/confirmation to validate these cherished
assumptions?
•What are your “sticking points”- those areas that get your dander
up, bog you down and make you resistant to re-thinking and acquiring
in new information?
•If you are so much in love with your assumptions, has it made you
seem rigid and unapproachable to others?
•Have you gotten stuck in focusing on results, not being present (and
able to appreciate) the “process” and the spontaneity that unfolds?
•Are you missing the forest for the trees? – focusing on minutiae
instead of the bigger picture?
•The importance of knowing when to walk away- this is as true for
treasured beliefs as it is situations and relationships that are
detrimental to well-being and self knowledge.
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
Adriane Schuster, M.F.C.C. Life/Business Coach
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Kosher Parenting=Conscious Parenting
KOSHER PARENTING = Conscious Parenting
What is it? How can it help me cope?
An opportunity to:
* Discover how to dance gracefully with your child without stepping on each other’s feet
* Foster and cultivate choice in the parent-child relationship
* Learn to create and sustain a positive climate in your home
* Optimize and enhance the way you relate and respond to your child
In this interactive work Daniella Krause introduces the conscious parenting model, and will describe key components of this approach through group discussions.
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לחבק ×ת קרקע ×מצעי
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Embracing Grayness
Living in a world of absolutes is not only unrealistic, but also
quite stressful. Do you regularly find yourself or others that you
know dealing with relationships, conflicts, problems, opinions, and a
variety of issues in black and white/either-or terms? Perhaps
viewing the “shades of gray” in various situations will allow for
less judgment, thinking “outside of the box”, letting go of anger,
and the freedom experienced by embracing a different point of view.
•Before a knee-jerk response to a situation, allow yourself a bit of
time and think of 2 possible opinions that might be offered.
•Take the opportunity to write down the pros and cons of your
thinking on topics that you’ve always felt to be “right” about before
voicing your belief.
•Seek out the assessments of others who you know to have different
ideas than those of your own and become familiar with another
viewpoint.
•How does seeing a middle ground in your appraisal of the situation
affect your thinking processes?
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The Art of Delegating
Whether dealing with personal or professional relationships, knowing
when and how to assign tasks to others is an invaluable skill.
However, in delegating jobs and responsibilities, it also means that
you trust and value the way in which another will get the job done.
While this may not be exactly the way you might do things, think
about the pressure it may take off you if you don’t have to be
responsible and in control of each and every detail.
* Delineate, clearly and calmly, what the task is and how you would
like it done. Whether this is done verbally or in writing, it may be
beneficial to allow time for a discussion about your expectations
with the “delegatee”.
* Be realistic in your choice of the person to get this job done-make
sure you don’t “set-up” yourself or another for likely failure.
* Once the task has been agreed upon, step out of the picture
(physically, emotionally and verbally),and allow the other to get the
job done
* Agree to a reasonable and realistic deadline with which you both
can live.
* Give factual (not judgmental) feedback about what was accomplished
and what /how you would like things done in the future. Give lots of
praise whenever and wherever possible.
* Give up the idea that unless the job is done to perfection, “I can
(or may as well) do it myself!”-unless you’re in love with constant
control and stress!
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Nine Notable Happiness Tips
Positive psychology, with its emphasis on “learned optimism”, offers
a great perspective about how to maximize joy and focus on the
upbeat. If you’re interested in positively altering your worldview,
begin with these suggestions:
1.Invest in relationships: It’s no mistake that this is “numero uno”
on the list. Nurturing relationships are essential for emotional
and physical health, help you through difficult times, provide
lifelong support and comfort, and yes, joy.
2.Eliminate the idea of perfection- being human is hard enough! Give
yourself a break and appreciate the things you do well and admire in
yourself.
3.Happiness is a state of mind, not the state of one’s bank account.
While no one would extol the virtues of poverty, it IS true the money
alone cannot buy happiness. Learn to view setbacks and difficulties
as learning experiences, actually taking advantage of these
experiences.
4.Engage in work that is satisfying and meaningful. If this is not
always possible, give yourself “fun” breaks during the day and engage
in relaxing and interesting leisure activities.
5.Shamelessly pursue joy! It’s not a mistake that the “pursuit of
happiness” is written in the U.S. constitution as an inalienable
right. Focus on the things that make you happy and do them. Talk
the actual talk of feeling positive, optimistic and outgoing-ness
because going through the motions can actually propel these emotions.
6.Energize and vitalize by exercising (releasing endorphins in the
brain really do increase feeling happy), eating healthy and not
skimping on sleep. Embrace novelty and do something different
whenever possible.
7.Organize and de-clutter your environment: Being in control of your
time eliminates feeling overwhelmed and allows for the setting and
attaining of goals. De-cluttering the home and work environment
helps to simplify one’s life.
8.Be helpful and grateful: Doing altruistic deeds does make you feel
better about yourself and relieves mental and physical stress. Savor
the wonderful, interesting and unusual people and events in your life.
9.Focus beyond “me”: One’s family, faith, community, etc. provide a
sense of higher purpose and satisfaction than constantly focusing on
oneself.
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The Ten Commandments of Communication
1.Don’t interrupt-let the other person finish speaking before you
begin to respond.
2.Use “I” messages whenever possible-”I feel…, What I’m hearing…”,
etc.-not only do you take responsibility, but this helps to eliminate
a defensive response from others.
3.Maintain eye contact (without staring)-conveys respect and equality
and also commands respect.
4.Employ “active listening” techniques by paraphrasing and thereby
checking that you clearly understand what the other person(s) is
trying to convey.
5.Don’t engage in the “blame game”- even when you’re “right”, blaming
will cause resentment.
6.Avoid at all costs: name calling, threats, shouting and yelling!
These behaviors are ultimately counter-productive and do NOT promote
meaningful communication- a sure way to win the battle and loose the
war.
7.Eliminate (whenever possible) using: always and/or never.
8.Validate others’ rights to their feelings and opinions-most people
are more concerned about the respect they are being given and want to
feel they are being heard rather than being “right”.
9.Asking another for clarification and information demonstrates
genuine concern for their point of view and an interest in resolving
an issue without having to “win”.
10.”Truth” is also in the eye of the beholder. The only thing
remembered about the brutal truth is its brutality!
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
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Psychologist vs. Personal Coach
Weighing the pros and cons of traditional psychotherapy vs.
Life/Business coaching? Here’s what “U.S. News & World Report”, in
its “Careers 2007″ special issue has to say about the “The Most
Overrated Careers”:
“Psychologist:
Research is showing that many psychological problems have
physiological roots, taking some of the luster off traditional
psychotherapy. Some psychologists end up questioning their own
validity. Also, people are turning toward personal coaches, who
focus less on the subconscious and more on developing pragmatic,
step-by-step plans for solving problems, moving forward, and
reaching goals.
Alternative:
Personal coach: There are many specialties, such as executive life,
careers, shyness, dating, and parenting.”
Why wait any longer to explore what Coaching can offer you?
And remember, taking action is the catalyst for change!
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